I don't get no respect even from my dentist. He was making me a false tooth and I said make sure it looks like the others, so he gave me one with four cavities. Then I told him that my teeth were yellow....he told me to wear a brown neck tie.
My wife and I, we have an off and on relationship. Yeah, everytime I get on - she tells me to get off!
I told my psychiatrist I keep thinking I'm ugly - he told me to lay on the couch - face down!
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother! And my mother used to breast feed me through a straw. I tell ya, I'm ugly....the other day my proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.
Oh, the other night, my wife met me at the front door, she was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble is - she was coming home!
Oh, when I was kid, I got no respect. I was kidnapped; they sent back a piece of my finger. My old man said he wanted more proof. My old man....he used to tell me to never take candy from a stranger, unless he offers you a ride. Even my dog has no respect...his favorite bone - is in my arm.
A girl once told me, come on over, there's nobody home....I went over - there was nobody home. Once with a prostitute, when I dropped my pants, she dropped her price.
Oh, yesterday was a beauty. I found a guy's wallet. Inside was a picture of my kids!
I bought a used car last week...I found my wife's dress in the back seat!